As things are wont to do when you’re in your 20s and a year has passed since you’ve written, so much has changed since my last post.
After being forced off the PCT because of Lyme, I returned home to help my mother with her new business, eventually recovered, visited Pine Nut in Seattle, relapsed and reached my all-time Lyme low at the start of 2016, discovered a deep passion for fiber art, decided to go into the medical field, walked a winding yellow arrow of Caminos, explored Western Europe, enrolled and (very) successfully completed four weeks of pre-med courses, and then suffered from Lyme or carbon monoxide poisoning (long story) and had to withdraw. Now I’m back at my “old Kentucky home,” creating fiber art, feeling strong, and pondering my next move.
Healthy people on career tracks might be so caught up in the day-to-day challenges that they are not afforded the chance to pause and take stock of where they’re going. Getting to do so once every few years is a treat. Getting to do so once every few months because of the cycles of remission and relapse (or carbon monoxide poisoning, you know) is a little excessive.
It’s not that I’d rather avoid being deliberate and mindful; it’s just that I’d prefer not to question my deliberate, mindful choices at such frequent junctures. I feel completely smitten by mountains and art and the biological sciences; how am I supposed to choose just one? (Perhaps I should take a page from polyamory and refuse to choose.)
I feel relatively certain that I would enjoy the lifestyle of a locum tenens hospitalist, traveling to various assignments and using modern medicine in the acute care setting where it most excels. I would enjoy keeping abreast of the latest research and working through differential diagnoses to problem solve. Most importantly, I would enjoy doing my best to ensure patients even more ill than I’ve been get the chance to hike another mountain.
But, the journey to that point feels daunting. I’d forgotten about the competitiveness – the Slytherin atmosphere – of school; I’d forgotten what it felt like to live in a world where statuses and resumes are important. It’s not a place where I feel as though I belong.
Thus, in my mind, the question right now, at this unusual limbo before registration for next semester opens, is whether I will find a place for myself – without losing myself – in med school. Should I be focusing on getting these last prereqs under my belt, when I’m not sure whether what comes next is a good choice for me? I don’t want to go into medicine in spite of needing to go to med school; I want to be able to enjoy the journey. I’m not opposed to hard work; I have just learned that life is too unpredictable to spend healthy days in unhealthy settings.
So, that’s where I am in my thoughts, at least today. I welcome feedback, especially from med students who are finding their way toward their dreams.